to sleep or to church, that is the question

many have been asking me where I’ve been at church on sundays. I hear the concern in their voices. don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it so don't think I want people to stop asking me how I am. but for some, they’re not just asking where I’ve been, they’re gauging the temperature of my faith.

I’ve recently been reflecting on how church attendance can often be seen as a representation of a person’s level of spiritual maturity. I don’t really feel like I have to justify myself to any of you. but if you’d like an explanation, I’ll give it since it seems to be in popular demand.

I don’t take church attendance lightly. in fact, I love church and all it’s peoples and ministries. I hope you know me well enough to know that my lack of church attendance is not a reflection of where I am with God. granted, the past year or so has been hard with work and sleep, but it doesn’t change how much I love God and His people. nor do I think it should be a gauge of spiritual maturity.

but people have asked for explanation, rationalization, and justification, so here it is:

every other week since the summer has finished, I’ve had the odd weekend retreat or weekend getaway and travel plan. those I can't help but be away from church, can't be in two places at once. on the weeks that I am in town,  I work saturday night. I get off work around 8am after staying up for usually about 20 hours. I’m exhausted. I don’t need much sleep, but even I know that I need it at some point.

unfortunately, to add to this, I get guilt and disapproval from the church I attend. I know you say you are concerned and just care about me. but it can make the weeks that I am actually able to go to church even harder. concern is one thing, judging is another.

my question is simple: if you were working night shifts (and that shift is non-negotiable at the moment) would you go to church on Sunday mornings even if you couldn’t be fully present in mind and spirit? Or would you lie down in sleep, trusting that God will show grace and is still with me even in rest?

I’m not upset, just discouraged. I wonder how the outside world views believers when there is so much focus on the attendance to a building on Sunday rather than the true hearts of the individuals.

where justice and mercy collide

in the old testament foundations course I am currently taking, there is constant discussing about how God can be equally and simultaneously Just and Merciful. I often find that this is a hard concept to grasp, even harder to explain to those who do not believe in the same God.

the other night at work, I came across a situation that although cannot compare to the grace God shows us and is a slightly flawed comparison, gave me a glimpse of the love between parent and child, a story of humility, repentance, mercy and forgiveness, and yet justice.

he was only 17. brought in by police with bruises and scars after he had been caught red handed in a robbery. he had run away and resisted arrest. no doubt he had committed a crime and the fact that he ran away only made it worse. I was called into the trauma bay, and walked in on his very upset mother while she was asking him why and how he could do such a thing. I stood by her side as she sobbed, “do I not provide enough food for you? do you not always have clothes on your back? what more do you need that I have not provided for you that would lead you to steal? your father is not here, and I have raised you and your sister to be good. why did you do this?”

in previous cases, I have seen patients be defiant and in full denial that they had done wrong. but that night, I saw something I rarely see in such a tangible way: shame. he was so embarrassed by what he had done, he covered his head with a blanket and sobbed so hard I felt his heart would break at any minute. I’ve never seen someone so sorry. I could tell that the mother was angry, but even more so, she was wounded by his actions.

after he was medically cleared, the police handcuffed him, in front of his mother, and took him away to jail. as he was leaving, he turned around and said, “I’m sorry mom” and she, in all her love said, “it’s ok son, I love you. it’ll be alright”.

I don’t doubt he will remember that night for the rest of his life. as will I. I went back to my office and as I opened up my old testament studies, I reflected on how this women and her son illustrated the character of God.

we do much that hurt the heart of God. and He asks us, “do I not provide food, clothes, and shelter for you? is what I give you not enough that you would still sin in order to gain more?” but when we come to the realization that what we are doing is wrong, my hope would be that the desired outcome is true repentance. and in response, I know there will be unconditional love with His voice saying: “it’s ok, my child. I love you. it’ll be alright”. in His mercy, there is still punishment for our sin. But hand in hand, comes grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

the name of the LORD be praised.

the rest of the Sabbath

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Sabbath rest. after being recommended and told by more than five people to read the book: “The Rest of God” by mark buchanan, I could no longer deny their emphatic encouragement that this was a “must-read”, especially for me. I have to admit, I was slightly skeptical that this book would do me any good.

and although I wouldn’t say it was mind blowing, I can agree that it was a good book. It put into words what my heart and mind already knew; that if I continue to go at the rate and pace that I am going, and do not find time to find rest, not only in terms of literal physical rest of time and body, but in terms of regular mental rest, that eventually I would die. perhaps not physically, but certainly emotionally, and spiritually.

The author mark buchanan reminds us that the work is never done and will never be done perfectly. we often think that we will rest when we are done what we need to get done. the reality is, there will always be something to do. rest is not a reward for finishing. it is a gift. Sabbath is a gift for our own restoration.

I feel like the past few days have been an extended Sabbath. I’ve enjoyed the quality company of childhood-lifelong friends and the beautiful weather of sunny California. I’ve visited a few tourist attractions, caught up on my journaling, ate delicious food, exercised my creative craftsmanship with homemade projects, watched movies and k-dramas, practiced hours of guitar on a daily basis, and even managed to study some. it was wonderful and now I’m heading home where once again I am faced with that nervous feeling that I am heading back to a world where there is much to do and much to think about. my mind is already full thinking about all that I have to accomplish in the coming week. and I haven’t even stepped on the plane yet.

buchanan calls us to embrace that which gives life. the question remains, what gives me life and what drains it away?

time to board the plane. vancouver bound. final flight of the summer.

bittersweet homecomings

after a month of what feels like travelling the world (in actuality, only australia and hong kong) I am finally back in vancouver. it’s been quite good. stories and photos to share and quality family and friend times that will be added to my memory bank of excellent moments. ask me and I will be glad to share.

home comings are always bittersweet for me. the whole idea of coming and going is one of restoration and brokenness, a complex paradigm that encompasses the thoughts of dorcas. I love coming home, and yet there is always a bit of dread to return to all that awaits me. don’t get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing people since I’ve come back. it is more likely that I am not really rested. particularly the second half of my vacation, I was a lot busier than I thought I would be.

one day last week, still in hong kong, I had a breakfast, a lunch, an ice cream shopping hangout, and a family dinner, each with separate people. a few days before I had two lunches back to back, a coffee with a friend, and then a dinner +movie +sleepover. besides the obvious observation that all my social activities are centered around food, there were other things to notice.

for one, no one seemed surprised. in fact, it was stated as quite a dorcas characteristic. on more than one occasion I was thanked for “finding the time” to meet. I wondered, at one point did it become a norm for me to be busy? and if some think it not good for me, what do I give up to be less so? would people still tell me to give something up if what I was giving up was them? mm. still thinking…more thoughts on Sabbath rest to come.

finally, if I’m being truely honest, I wasn’t ready to go back to church today. have you ever had that really bad pit-in-your-stomach-crawl-into-bed feeling where you know eventually you need to face something but you just can’t at the moment? again, don’t get me wrong, I love the community of believers that I belong to. they are most wonderful. so why was I nervous and hesitant to walk back into family? it was a scary and confusing feeling, one that I do not quite understand and am still figuring out. let me know if you know.

so not the most positive post, but not really negative either, more so just one filled with incomplete ruminations for your reading minds.